When someone is sick, hospital (or even home) visitors may not always know when to visit or how long to stay. These five tips for setting visitor boundaries will help you eliminate any doubt for your visitors.
Why Setting Visitor Boundaries is Necessary
They’ve been there (what seems like) forever and now you’d like them to leave.
You’re feeling particularly rotten and someone has come to visit unannounced.
You have a visitor, and now you feel like you need to entertain them.
An out of town friend wants to visit and wants to avoid hotel costs by staying with you.
Do any of these sound familiar?
It seems people tend to lose their heads when it comes to friends or family being sick. We’ve all blundered with someone who is ill because we don’t know what to say or do. Even though most people are well-intentioned, they may not catch subtle clues. They’re going to need a little help.
If we want to keep our sanity (and relationships) intact, it’s up to us to help people understand what we need.
Giving Clear Expectations
Telling people what they might expect before they come to visit will help in many ways. Here are a few things you can explain to them.
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Things can change quickly and I may not be up for visiting anymore (or at all).
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I may need to leave for a test or procedure without notice.
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Doctors may visit and you’ll need to leave.
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It’s ok to just be in the room. Constant conversation isn’t necessary. Quiet companionship is nice too.
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There are usually a lot of interruptions. Staff can be in and out of my room all day to record vitals, administer meds, take blood, and to check-in on my mental status.
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Sometimes I fall asleep (there are a lot of interruptions in the middle of the night too).
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Gross things happen in the hospital (bathroom issues, vomiting, blood, suction of fluids).
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I am using my energy to fight disease, so I will be direct if I need you to leave. It’s not personal.
Be Direct
You’ve already set the expectation, so don’t hedge now. This is not the time to beat around the bush. Most people don’t have a clue and may not pick up on cues.
Self-care is a big deal for you and being direct does not make you a mean person. Setting visitor boundaries means keeping things clear.
If you still feel a bit uncomfortable, you can preface any of these with, “I apologize for being so direct, but…”
“It’s so thoughtful of you to come visit, but I’m not up for visitors right now. Please call me to check before you come next time so we can spend some time together.”
“I am exhausted and may fall asleep, but if you’d like to stay for a while, I’d love for you to sit with me.”
“I have enjoyed your company, but I need to rest now. Would you consider visiting again at another time?”
A Story About Setting Boundaries
Let me tell you a little story. I was in the hospital a lot when I was sick. Like, A LOT. I was also living in a room at my mom’s house because I could no longer care for myself or live alone.
One of my friends wanted to come visit me from out of state. They planned to stay for a few days and then go back home. As they were getting ready to buy their tickets, they asked when my mom would be able to pick them up at the airport.
“Um, my mom spends most of her time here with me and when she’s not here, she’s getting some much-needed rest at home. Aren’t you renting a car?”
They informed me that they had planned on staying at my mom’s house and riding with her to the hospital each day. Or, as an alternative, sleeping on the couch in my hospital room.
I explained that I would not ask my mom to entertain or accommodate my friends (she was already busy as a caregiver). I also said that even though I enjoy company, sleeping in my hospital room was not an option either.
Even with hotels nearby, this person became very offended and canceled their trip. Which brings me to my next tip.
Don’t Worry About Offending
When you are setting boundaries for visitors, some people are going to be offended.
People can forget that when they are visiting someone who is sick, it is not a normal leisure visit. They have this vision in their mind of their friend or loved one that is well, not this sick (or even dying) version of them.
They understand logically that you are ill but still, they struggle to wrap their head around it. If you haven’t broken the news, you can read about that here.
We won’t be going sightseeing. There won’t be a fun game of cards or long talks into the wee hours of the morning. This is not “fun” for us.
You may also find that people you haven’t seen or spoken to in years have taken a sudden interest and want to visit.
As sad as it is, some people like to use your illness as a social media boost for themselves. You don’t have to take all visitors.
The hard reality is that friends and family have to come to terms with the fact that you are very ill. They need to understand that we aren’t miraculously going to be “better” one day.
Our “better” doesn’t come until we get our transplant. After that, there’s going to be your recovery and even then things will be different.
Even still, people will get their feathers ruffled. And that’s not your responsibility. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing and if someone begrudges you, that’s on them.
If you are having trouble coping with guilty feelings, reach out for help. You can visit my blog post with resources for that.
Setting Visitor Boundaries to Avoid People-Pleasing
It’s important that you are a little self-absorbed right now. Fighting for your life is a big deal and it takes what little energy you have.
If your focus is keeping other people happy, you could be the one who suffers, so set those boundaries!
Guilt is a heavy feeling. Telling the people we care about that we aren’t up for seeing them doesn’t feel nice.
“Hey, I love you, but you’ve got to go,” isn’t pleasant either.
Those who know who you are in your core will understand when you need to take a step back. You should never feel as though you HAVE to say yes to a visit if you don’t want to.
Don’t allow the guilt to take over. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.
Enlist Help When You Need It
Some folks still won’t get it. You set the expectations and have been crystal clear and direct. You’ve been up-front that you need to put yourself first.
Even if you’ve done everything you know how to do, some people still won’t get it. Mr. Graft Diaries would call this a 2×4 moment.
Some people need a firm hit over the head with a 2×4 to get the point. Figuratively speaking of course. Mr. Graft Diaries isn’t ACTUALLY hitting people over the head with a 2×4.
That’s when you enlist the help of caregivers or friends who DO get it. Ask them to speak to the person (or people) to reiterate the boundaries you have set.
A caregiver could be better equipped to say, “no” to people. They don’t have the same connections you do, so they can step in and be the “bad guy.”
You Need Your People
Having a support system in place is critical for the transplant journey. You need your people to help you through the multitude of challenges you face.
With that said, a support system is exactly that. Support. If you have visitors who stay too long or don’t leave when you ask, that’s counterproductive.
By setting visitor boundaries, you further solidify what you need from your people. You also avoid conflict with those you care about because the expectations have been set.
Setting visitor boundaries puts everything right out there in the open.
It allows you and your visitors to communicate without the risk of offending one another. Your visitors will know what the expectations are and will be more apt to pick up on cues.
Nobody handles everything right the first time, every time. You might make some mistakes, but asking for what you need is never a bad thing.
