We can all agree that there are no words to describe how grateful we are for our second chance at life. So how can you sit down and write to your donor’s family to express that gratitude? This person made a decision that saved your life! What could you say that would even come close to depicting the gravity of that situation?
First Things First
Writing anything can be a challenge (she says as she sits in front of her laptop struggling to find words today). But when writing a thank you, especially one for a gift of this size, calling it a challenge is putting in mildly.
So let’s talk about what we can’t write about. There are many things you may want to share in your letter, and in most cases, you should. What you shouldn’t share are your personal details. There are privacy laws in place to protect both you and your donor’s family. Here are some things you should omit from your letter.
- Your last name – this one is pretty obvious. Your first name and family member first names (if you chose) are all ok, just leave your last name out.
- The city where you live – again, pretty clear. People are resourceful, and with social media, it’s easy to identify someone with very little information.
- Your transplant doctor’s name
- Your transplant center
- Religious content – this may seem odd to some. While you may be a person of a particular faith, the religion (or lack thereof) of your donor’s family is not known. Just like conversations you avoid with people you don’t know. Leave out any discussion of religion or politics. This isn’t the place.
Timing When Writing Your Donor’s Family
The timeline for every recipient is going to be different. You have gone through a traumatic experience and you must be in a positive space when you write your letter.
I once spoke with a recipient who had received a live donor transplant. That original graft never fully took and they had to be re-transplanted a few months later. After their second transplant, they experienced recovery complications. Then it was several more months before things settled down. As you can imagine, they had some emotions to process. There’s no doubt they were grateful for both their live and deceased donors. But it took a while before they were truly grateful for their transplant. It’s totally understandable given the struggles they endured.
I’ve also spoken with recipients who were in a place where they felt ready to write their donor’s family almost immediately.
The important thing here is that there is no right answer as far as the timeline is concerned. Write when you feel moved to do so. Writing to your donor’s family is an emotional thing to do. This might mean you write a little a time. One person might finish their letter in a day. Someone else may find it takes them months to complete. Do what’s right for you.
Where to Begin
Well, simply put, begin from the beginning. Talk with your transplant team and let them know you’d like to write your donor family.
Start from the start. Express your awareness for your donor family’s loss. Speak about your gratitude for their loved one’s gift. Then share some about yourself. How long did you wait for your transplant? Talk about what life was like before your transplant and while you waited. Share what your family went through as a result of your need for a transplant. Don’t dwell on the negative though, this isn’t about a pity party for you. Remember this should all come from a place of gratitude.
What to Say
Share a little bit about you and your family. Talk about how your life has changed since you’ve received your transplant. What events have you been able to experience as a result of your transplant?
Let me give you a little example. Since my transplant, I’ve experienced some big life events. I’ve been here for the birth of two nieces and a nephew. I was able to spend time with my Grandma before she passed. My son graduated from high school and my daughter is now in high school herself. I met and married Mr. Graft Diaries and have a step-daughter who has also graduated from high school. I’ve enjoyed birthdays, weddings, retirement parties, and warm family gatherings.
Give some insight into how you feel; how transplant has improved your life. Don’t be afraid to share how you’ve grown emotionally either. Things like how you are more patient now. Or how you live in the moment and appreciate life’s little things.
Most importantly, write from the heart and with sincerity.
Being Thankful Feels Good
Talking about something we’ve gone through is cathartic. Yet, approaching that same thing from a place of thankfulness and thought is even better. Take a look at the challenges you might face in your day-to-day life through the lens of gratitude.
As a very simple example, I can’t work a fast-paced corporate job like I used to and that was a big part of my sense of purpose. After my transplant, this left me feeling worthless at times. Through the lens of gratitude, this has allowed me to have more time with my family. I have developed even more strong relationships with my kids. I’ve been able to attend track meets, chaperone field trips, and enjoy time with them after school. Purpose comes in many forms and, to quote Mr. Graft Diaries again, “we are human beings, not human doings.”
Slowing down to be thankful, and to express that thanks reminds us of how fortunate we are. And that feels pretty dang good.
How to Write to Your Donor’s Family – Who Are Grieving
Years ago, I attended a post-transplant group meeting hosted by my transplant hospital. During that meeting, we had the privilege of hearing from a donor mother.
I listened as this mother shared about her incredible daughter. She spoke about the grief she felt, and how her life had changed. She also talked about her relationship with the family of one of her daughter’s recipients. As I listened, I thought, “how in the world can I write to someone going through that much grief?”
When I spoke with this donor’s mom after the meeting. She said, “a grieving mom’s wounds are always open. But hearing from my daughter’s donor helped to heal those wounds some.”
I can’t speak for any donor family member. I don’t know whether a letter might help them. What I do know is that one man’s gift not only saved my life but changed the course of my life for the better. And or that I should express my gratitude.
What Happens After You Write
Your transplant team will guide you in the process. Your letter will go through the OPO who will then notify the donor family. At that point, the donor family can choose whether they’d like to receive the letter. Some may also decide to respond.
Many recipients I’ve talked to have said they would love to connect with their donor’s family. Keep in mind that we are coming from a place of happiness and renewed life. Our donor families have experienced an inconceivable loss. They’ve lost a son, daughter, brother, sister, or best friend.
Every person grieves differently. As a recipient, it’s essential we not only respect that, we honor it. After all, nobody ever writes a thank you card expecting something in return. This is no different and is for the greatest gift one person can give another.
In the event your donor’s family does write back, it will go through the OPO as well. This correspondence can carry on back and forth indefinitely. You and your donor’s family may agree to communicate directly. In that case, the OPO will help in that process and transition.
“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.” ~ Seneca
