Anyone who has ever attended a social event ever in the history of, you know…ever, has been asked, “So what do you do?”   This question has the appearance of a run-of-the-mill conversation starter.  But in actuality, it’s a means for the person to size you up and decide where you fit in their social structure.

Even in Medieval times, a person’s class was determined by what they did.  A knight or priest?  Someone who worked directly for royalty?  Wow, how noble indeed!  But if you were a lowly minstrel or butcher (or baker or candlestick maker), you were not as highly regarded.

It’s nothing personal, it’s just what we do.

So, What Do You Do?  It’s More Habit Than Anything

We’ve all done it.  We’ve been at a party and asked someone what they do (or more precisely, what they do for a living).  Most people ask out of habit.  We are curious and it feels like we are asking them something about themselves.  But are we really?  Think about it.  You hear, “I’m a doctor/lawyer/architect,” and instantly they are on a higher social shelf in our minds.  If someone were to respond, “I’m a mechanic/plumber/stay-at-home-parent,” that shelf is a little lower down for some.

And does that really tell us anything about who they are as a person?  What they are passionate about?  What they love?

Since my transplant (and the time leading up to it) this question has bugged me to no end.  I was laid off from my job of 12 years about a year before my transplant.  So I was unemployed and worked several temp jobs along the way while I looked for work.  Then I got sick.  And had more than one brush with death.  Then I received my transplant, and even tried going back to work.  Within a matter of a couple of weeks, stress took over and my liver numbers suffered.  I had treatment for rejection and it still took me more than six months to get back to “normal.”

It’s funny how the habit of asking people what they do became less and less a part of my small talk repertoire.

We Are Human Beings Not Human Doings

It is easy to put all our worth into what we do for work.  We spend so much of our lives at a job, it’s no surprise.  But, as Mr. Graft Diaries had to drill into my thick skull, “we are human beings, not human doings.”  What we do does not define who we are.  Our purpose should be coming from what we are passionate about.  Not what we do for a living.

Any time I attended a social event or met a new person after transplant and was asked the dreaded, “So, what do you do?”  I cringed and usually answered with something like, “nothing.”  Mr. Graft Diaries would rapidly chime in, “not nothing, you do so much!”

This usually led to some long diatribe, “well, I was a C-level executive assistant, but I was laid off.  After I worked some temp jobs I was actually interviewing for a full-time position.  Then, I came down with these flu-like symptoms and discovered I had end-stage liver disease.  I was super-sick and only had to wait about five months before I received a liver transplant, so that was amazing.”

“After I recovered, I tried going back to work, but that put me into rejection so I couldn’t do that anymore.  I continue to have rejection episodes and other health challenges too.  So I volunteer for Donate Life and the hospital where I received my transplant when I can.  I also have three kids (two of my own and Mr. Graft Diaries’ daughter) who keep me pretty busy.”  At that point, their eyes were glazed over and I thought, “aren’t you glad you asked?”

Eventually, I had whittled my answer down to, “I was forced into retirement after I received a liver transplant.”  For whatever reason, retirement is a much more acceptable answer to the masses than, “I don’t work.”  Which I tested out too, but that usually ended up right back at my diatribe.  Somehow I felt like I owed this complete stranger some kind of explanation about why I don’t work.  Not that it’s any of their business (but I’m not defensive or anything).  On top of that, I did work.  Not in the traditional sense of the word, but I did work.

Finding Purpose Through Passion

More than once I imagined my life if I didn’t have to work.  “If I didn’t have to work, I could hang out more with my kids, I’d have time for the hobbies I enjoy, and I could volunteer or something!”

While all those things are true, the challenge is feeling a sense of purpose when doing them.  Sure, raising kids, baking bread, knitting (hey! I like knitting!), and volunteering are all great!  And cleaning the house (day in and day out week after week, month after month, year after year) is important too.  Bleh.  But all of those things do not always leave you with a measurable sense of accomplishment or purpose.

Imagine at a party when you’re asked (again) what you do.  “Oh!  I cook, clean, take kids to activities, volunteer, read, knit, and go to doctor’s appointments!”  The response you’d likely get would be something like, “Oh, so you’re a homemaker?”  And they’d likely be scanning the room for someone more interesting to talk to.  Like a doctor or VP of something or another.

So how do you find your worth outside of work?

Take the Pressure Off

The first thing you’ve got to do is stop putting yourself in the “my purpose comes from my job” box.  You have lived through something traumatic!  You go through your day-to-day life with a keen knowledge of your mortality.  You endure headaches, tremors, nausea, body aches, fatigue, and general anxiety about your well-being.  You take medications at least twice a day.  Don’t you think that’s enough for one person to contend with?

Your worth lies in who you are as a person.  Do you treat everyone you encounter with dignity and respect?  Do you love your family and friends?  Are you thoughtful and kind?  Do you find ways to honor your donor and the second chance of life you’ve been given?

Purpose comes from finding things you are passionate about.  How you contribute to the things that matter to you and, most importantly, how you view yourself.  Telling yourself that you have no worth because you aren’t on a career path gets you nowhere.  That energy (pardon the woo-woo-iness of that statement) is what you’re putting out there.  If you can’t see your worth, how can anyone else?

Passion Leads to Purpose

What are you passionate about?  Is it art?  Volunteer at an art museum or take some painting classes and create!  Do you want to share your transplant story with anyone who will listen?  Consider volunteering for your local Donate Life.  Start or join a support group where you can help others.  Start a blog (*wink wink).  Are you moved by kids who have special needs?  Talk to a children’s hospital or school to see about volunteering.  Love knitting?  Knit hats, gloves, or blankets for a shelter.  Big on quilting?  Talk to your local Donate Life about creating quilts for donor families.

You get my point.  Find something you feel strongly about and start fueling that passion.  This will do two things.  Because it is your passion, anything you do that supports it will bring you joy.  And we all need a little more joy in our lives, don’t we?  Second, you will be contributing to society in one way or another, and then presto!  You have a purpose!

While you’re at it, take a second to be grateful that you have the opportunity to follow your passions.  Even though, for me, that means living a more simple life with fewer things.  I can’t believe how lucky I am to be alive and to find joy and purpose from giving back.

Answer, “So What Do You Do?” With Confidence

Don’t be afraid to answer this question with a statement focused on “I am” or “I enjoy.”  This moves the conversation from what you do to who you are.  “I am a transplant survivor.”  “I enjoy volunteering for Donate Life.”  “I am a home cook and supportive parent.”  “I enjoy knitting hats for a homeless shelter in my town.”  Talk about how you fuel your passions.  Because you are passionate about it, that answer will be far better than, “I’m an accountant at XYZ.”

And for goodness sake, the next time you’re at a party and meet someone new, please don’t ask, “So, what do you do?”  Ask them what they’re passionate about, what’s good in their life, or what they enjoy doing for fun.  It may take them a little longer to answer, but you’ll find out more about them than you ever would by asking them about their job.  And isn’t that why you’re asking in the first place?